Some days you take an emotional punch when you least expect it. I don’t really know what happened, but somewhere in between a load of laundry, some letter writing and a call with my Momma today, I found myself on my knees, in overwhelming tears, and the beautiful springtime sunshine pouring in to my apartment from both sides. I felt intensely present in that moment and I didn’t know exactly what to do with it but acknowledge it, appreciate it…and write about it. (Bear with me on this one…probably a good amount of run on sentences and poor grammar, but I’m just trying to write and go with it today…)
So what happened? Like I said, I am not exactly sure, but as I hung up the phone with my Momma, I felt so grateful that I have such an incredible best friend in my mother. She gets me. She listens. She assures me, but also helps me realize things I didn’t see before. I felt lucky and humbled, and then all of a sudden I felt sad. I felt sad because I thought of my friend Matty, who was taken from us far too soon. I thought about his beautiful mother, Teresa, and about all of the times I’ve been able to call my Momma to vent or cry or laugh or tell her stories and then say, “Am I the crazy one? I don’t get it. What did I miss?” Matty didn’t get as many phone calls with Teresa as I have gotten with my Momma. When I first started tearing up, I tried to hold them back–so confused by the feelings that were coming over me. But as I listened to the quiet in my apartment and felt the warmth of the new sunshine that we’ve missed so much these days, I made the decision to just let it all happen…to stay present and let the tears come. I cried for Matty, and Teresa, and for my Momma. I cried for too many of our friends who are no longer with us and able to cry anymore. I held my heart and fell to my knees and I have not felt this humbled and vulnerable in quite sometime. I am so grateful for the ability to feel…and hurt, and love, and then to take a deep breathe and let it all go.
In my role for work, I get paid to keep things in order and to maintain a sense of control (or at least the looks of it anyway)…but I think too often I forget that I don’t always have to be so controlled when it comes to my personal life, or within the walls of my own home. It feels good to honor your emotions by letting go and staying in the moment, even though our immediate reaction is often to hide or pull back. Don’t fight it. Stay present and let yourself feel whatever it is you are feeling. Don’t judge yourself or try to control it. And, when you are ready, take a deep breath to fill your lungs; breathe deeper and deeper to fill those hidden spaces in your rib cage and all the way in your back–give breath to your entire body in this moment. As you let it all out, release the tension from your jaw to your shoulders, to your hips, your fingers and your toes. Acknowledge the beauty in this moment and be grateful that YOU ARE ALIVE and able to feel all of this. Remember: We are the lucky ones.
And then, if you are up for it–put on some spandex and go to a crazy SculptWorks class and sweat it out for 70 minutes. It may not help with the puffy eyes or stuffy nose, but a little extra sweat will justify the scoop of Steve’s you enjoy when you get home and catch some hometown baseball on Opening Day. :) Tomorrow is a new day.
“The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea.” (Isak Dinesen)